can you hear me?
waiting for the rain to pour in at 09:25 AM on February 27, 2007.
of welcomed beginnings and inevitable changes.
of wistful sighs and wasted times.
of meaningful glances and longing stares.
of endless wishes and infinite patience.
of flimsy whispers and careful words.
of languid strokes and nervous caresses.
of warm, tangled embraces and silent, delicate tears.
of stolen moments and melodic laughters.
of cinnamon, oriental eyes and beguiling smiles.
of winding roads and bright, moving shadows.
of consistent downpours and breaking goodbyes.
of formless distances and piercing chills.
of hesitations and failures.
of smothered pride and newfound trust.
of desired understanding and steadfast faith.
of eternal fears and constant defeats.
of restless dreams and pleasant nightmares.
of isolation and frozen memories.
of happiness and sadness.
nth letter
waiting for the rain to pour in at 07:42 PM on May 28, 2007.
Have I really been distant? No, I haven't been distant. I've just been alone for too long. When I wanted to reach you a few weeks back, it had been golden week and you haven't been around. On Friday of that week I actually tried to call you. You hadn't known how agitated was because you hadn't picked up (it was probably 10:30 in your time anyway). Now, it was late when you found out how bad that week for me had gone, and I've already exhausted myself. It's usually taking you long to answer to my (albeit few) messages. Either you'd been distracted or too busy, it wasn't like that before. It doesn't help that ever since I've sent the last email I'm trying too hard to keep things normal and anyway failing.
No, we never just talk anymore. Those few times I'd always have to worry that I'd say the wrong things, or bother you with whatever news when I just finally have spoken to you again and when you sound so happy. And with those last few times, yes, it had been awkward for me because I'm not sure how to act around you anymore and everytime it's just been unnerving not too think too much, or say too much that would sound too demanding or too hopeful. I've stopped hoping a long time ago, you know, just as I haven't been online that much.
These past few days is much worse than it was last month. There's this circumstance last Friday that had my team leader suddenly pull me out of the team and made me work with the old teams, demoting me completely. An email came from the headquarters that I've done this and that, and that they'd want me out of the team until they'll find the right time to listen to my calls. And despite Alvin's assurance that things would look up this week after our client monitors my calls on Thursday and realizes how stupid this certain respondent's claim has been, it already destroyed whatever frail confidence was left in me anyway and made me feel utterly helpless, afraid and abandoned. I can't even stop thinking about it, and it's been 4 days ago. It's stupid. It's embarrassing. and thinking of telling you something like this would make me so much smaller. I wanted to tell you but it's all been this sort of news everytime. It's just getting too old. I've just been too tired of waiting around, too, and Michael was there.
I haven't been distant at all, you see. I just missed you. It hurts me to say these things, and to say just these. I hope you'll understand.
[May 28, 2007]
note to the willing enemy
waiting for the rain to pour in at 11:54 AM on March 22, 2007.
Come on. You can actually do better than post on Friendster bulletin--with THOSE for catch-phrases--about how you hate my MOODY self. Ohohohohohohoho Look at you! Even if you would gladly announce to the whole world how IMMATURE you are, you are actually just that. IMMATURE. And shame on you because you are NOT EVEN a GIRL, stripping you off the "right" to spread nasty, nasty things about me. EXCUSE ME. Lemme get 2 things straight: YOU DON'T KNOW ME, AND I'M NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING TO YOU. And what's with Fritz asking me about MEMORIES? Oh! Do WE actually have those?
Hear me laugh. I'm so not even gonna miss your pathetic face.
Now. Try again.
tunes: try again by aaliyah
moods: exasperated
of embarassment over lack of creativity
waiting for the rain to pour in at 10:30 AM on March 14, 2007.
i know it's really late to hand you this present, what with the christmas season over. but you know me, and how chicken i can be. my sister was teasing me about it yesterday, in your car while you drove us to where we dropped her off. this isn't any different from the last one i gave you, yeah. i'm sorry for the lack of creativity. nonetheless, this should still keep you warm. and i hope you'll like it anyway. i love you, you know. funny that i haven't been saying that often, while you're here, while i could see you. i hope that despite of it all you don't love me less. i could say over and over again that time had been moving agonizingly slow before. as if i was seeing a panorama of those days. and now, everything is just going too fast that it seemed like i'm in a dream, or if when i wake up i'm back to where things are, monotonous and maybe even lonely. that, or it's because i didn't see you as much as i did in the holidays 2 years ago. it didn't rain as much as i expected it, too. and if rainy days were over, it would mean that i would miss you much more. or is it when it's raining that i miss you more? i can't quite tell right now. sometimes, the heavy feeling of longing, choking and uncomfortable, hangs in the air, and i wonder if you even feel it. it tires me. sometimes. i've allowed myself to be that greedy and wished i could see you more. and would you think it funny if i tell you that i fell in love with you all over again the moment you smiled at me 2 weeks ago while your back was facing against jonie? i know. it's foolish. but that's what i think anyway. and instead of being happy, i don't understand why it feels like i'm still burdened, or suffering from something i can't place my finger on. this must be the answer to that question you asked me a long time ago. yes, it's easy, and perhaps also difficult to be in love with you. i'm sorry to have bothered you with these thoughts. but i want to be honest. it seems like it's been a long time since i've been honest about something. i love you.
ps
i guess one of my favorite surprises is when you turned up a few weeks ago instead of your cousin. and you've held me longer, too. thank you. you've made me very happy.
